Long Term Illnesses Can Mess With Your Head

I didn’t think that I would be adding much more to this blog since the cancer has been in remission for over two years and the MDS seemed to fairly stable.  I guess I have been a little anxious lately about this incurable disease that the various drug regimens don’t seem to be able to control.

I know that I am to be anxious about nothing, but I don’t seem to be able to shake this feeling that my condition is worsening.  I guess that is a lack of faith.  It is definitely a lack of faith since I am not putting my life completely in the Lord’s hands.  I have a meeting with my oncologist tomorrow and I think that we need to have a very frank discussion about where this is going.

I guess that I really don’t know why this one seems to be getting to me.  The rest I have been able to get my peace and remain positive about the situation.  If I begin to think that I surely am going to die, will I die sooner?  The statistics say so.  I weaken my immune system and don’t fight disease as hard.  Why would I do that?  Why would I not go to the Lord and exchange this burden for His light one as I have done so far?  What is so different?

I think in this one I am generally well and my mind is clear. That can be a dangerous place for me to be.  I can over think what is going on and concentrate on what seems to be happening in this world and not realize that the spiritual world is what matters.  He has the plan for me and He unfolds is as He pleases and in His time.  For some reason I am not resting in that plan.

I think that another thing is that I don’t deal well with complements.  I had a nurse at the oncologist’s office call me one of the most positive people that he had met.  I just don’t do well with that.  I tend to take it in more than I should and not reflect it back to the Lord who really caused it to happen.  I want to regain that balance realizing that I am really the Lord’s to do with what He chooses.  I am nothing by myself.

Lord, take this anxiety and any wrong thoughts that I have and use me for whatever you will.  I don’t want these thoughts and feelings.  You are going to take when You will whether that is 20 minutes from now or 20 years.  Help me be secure in that fact.  Help me to remember that You have the best plan for me and that I cannot and desire not to effect that.  Help me to rest in You and your security.

Writing this part a little later, I have recovered peace.  Writing seems to be my therapy for talking out my inside doubts and fears.  The Lord is always faithful to exchange our sinfulness for His righteousness.  I don’t understand that at any level in this world, but I know that it works supernaturally.

I didn’t think that I would be adding much more to this blog since the cancer has been in remission for over two years and the MDS seemed to fairly stable. I guess I have been a little anxious lately about this incurable disease that the various drug regimens don’t seem to be able to control.

I know that I am to be anxious about nothing, but I don’t seem to be able to shake this feeling that my condition is worsening. I guess that is a lack of faith. It is definitely a lack of faith since I am not putting my life completely in the Lord’s hands. I have a meeting with my oncologist tomorrow and I think that we need to have a very frank discussion about where this is going.

I guess that I really don’t know why this one seems to be getting to me. The rest I have been able to get my peace and remain positive about the situation. If I begin to think that I surely am going to die, will I die sooner? The statistics say so. I weaken my immune system and don’t fight disease as hard. Why would I do that? Why would I not go to the Lord and exchange this burden for His light one as I have done so far? What is so different?

I think in this one I am generally well and my mind is clear. That can be a dangerous place for me to be. I can over think what is going on and concentrate on what seems to be happening in this world and not realize that the spiritual world is what matters. He has the plan for me and He unfolds is as He pleases and in His time. For some reason I am not resting in that plan.

I think that another thing is that I don’t deal well with complements. I had a nurse at the oncologist’s office call me one of the most positive people that he had met. I just don’t do well with that. I tend to take it in more than I should and not reflect it back to the Lord who really caused it to happen. I want to regain that balance realizing that I am really the Lord’s to do with what He chooses. I am nothing by myself.

Lord, take this anxiety and any wrong thoughts that I have and use me for whatever you will. I don’t want these thoughts and feelings. You are going to take when You will whether that is 20 minutes from now or 20 years. Help me be secure in that fact. Help me to remember that You have the best plan for me and that I cannot and desire not to effect that. Help me to rest in You and your security.

Writing this part a little later, I have recovered peace. Writing seems to be my therapy for talking out my inside doubts and fears. The Lord is always faithful to exchange our sinfulness for His righteousness. I don’t understand that at any level in this world, but I know that it works supernaturally.

Are You Over the Slap in the Face?

Maybe this should have been the first entry in the blog because it’s the beginning point.  But I think that I had forgotten this event, but it needs to be covered.  At the point that I received the news that I had cancer, I was just stunned and it put me in a place of disbelief and I felt some things that I cannot describe.  It was just not real.

Cancer was a death sentence as far as I knew.  Nobody survived that killer.  The fears started to creep along with the whys and the why me.  The slap hurts and blows us back from our little world of routines.  As we gradually absorb the thought we see that our world will never be the same.

My doctor confirmed that I had multiple myeloma over the phone while I was on a business trip.  All of the tests came back finding that “bone eating lesion” on my sixth rib was indeed cancer.  I probably should have been a little more alarmed at the term “bone eating lesion”, but it all seemed so surreal.

I started looking up the cancer on the Internet.  First I confused the name with melanoma which is a completely different kind of cancer.  Finally, in talking with my wife, I researched one and found out that what I had what used to be called bone cancer.  My grandmother had died from it when I was twelve.

Multiple myeloma was a death sentence until the mid-1980’s.  Now, the survival rate is about 50%.  I didn’t know any of that at the time; I just knew that I had cancer.  I didn’t know how much it would transform my life and how much I would change.  The slap just stunned me.  I’m pretty thick headed and it takes me a while to catch on to a new reality that I have to face.

Probably the hardest part to deal with was the uncertainty.  There are not answers to questions like, “Am I going to die?”  “What is going to happen to me?”  “What will happen to my family?”  “Where is God in all of this?”  “Have I been abandoned?”  I felt alone, not knowing really what to do or where to go.

Fortunately the medical community kicks in.  They guide you through all of the things that need to be done.  They schedule the surgeries, the chemotherapy, and the radiation as needed and you just follow along.  Gradually your mind clears and you begin to figure it out and come out of the process with some hope.  But expect an adjustment period as you get use to what you are going through.

Gradually, the routines begin to be manageable.  You find help from friends and loved ones that you never dreamed would be involved.  The community around you responds to your needs and as the stun subsides, you begin to feel the love.  Life is not necessarily good at this point depending on what you are going through, but you find it to be a time to begin healing.