Am I Ever Going to Sleep Right Again?

I remember when Nellie, the Physician’s Assistant at my oncologist’s office, started me on thalidomide to begin my cancer cure.  She said to me, “You are going to have some of the best sleep that you have ever had.”  I did not think much about it at the time but it has taken on a bit more meaning as I have gone through the healing process.

I had never slept very well for much of my life.  I often woke up very early in the morning and could not go back to sleep.  Four or five hour nights of sleep were common for me.  But one of the side effects of this drug, thalidomide, was gentle and restful sleep and I will say that was good, very good.  Rest for the body speeds the healing process.  Maybe that’s why we tend to sleep so much after surgeries and other trauma that happens to our body.

The other side effect of the drugs that we take can give us restless sleep as well.  This side effect I learned about from Anne whom I met in the oncology clinic.  She was dealing with the after effects of a colonoscopy and surgery.  Her chemotherapy treatment gave her restless sleep.  I remember her saying, “If I could just get four hours of continuous sleep, it would be great.”

My oncologist just changed the drug regimen that he is using the treat my MDS.  The chemo procedure looked favorable for a time but in the end was not the solution.  Now I am on steroids and vitamins which I had mentioned before.  The effect on sleep has been drastic.  I am almost in whiplash from in going from general malaise condition under the chemo to being over stimulated on the steroids.  I now sleep about two hours a night.  I catch small “cat naps” during the day or if I can get back to sleep in the night.  I have more energy than I may have ever had in my life.

I don’t know if you or I will ever sleep right again.  I am not sure that I slept right before I had cancer and MDS.  We are so different in our sleep patterns and the effect that too little sleep has on us.  When we inject harsh drugs into our systems to keep us alive, we have to deal with what comes our way.

What we fail to see is that we are not who we were.  Radical things have happened to our bodies and they are not the same.  But the Lord has made radical things happen to our soul and spirit during the same process of physical healing.  We are brand new.  The new normal that we have become has new characteristics associated with it.  One of those things may be changes in sleep patterns.  But during that time the Lord has given me a closer insight to Him and things of Him and His true desire to be involved in all aspects of my life.  I pray that I will always be able to embrace the change that He allows in my life.

Let’s Look at the Drug Thing Again

I am fascinated with the prospect of what it means to be “fearfully and wonderfully made” as it talks about in Psalm 139:13-14.  The Lord creates the perfect balance of chemicals is each of us to make us who we are.  Minute changes in some of the critical chemicals makes us depressed or elated, introspective or outgoing, and so on.  Some chemicals give us energy and drive and others make us withdraw.  The subtle changes in the chemicals over our lives move us from youth to aging.  The Lord puts this chemical balance in each of us to make the beautiful and unique creatures that we are.

Introducing new chemicals into this wondrous system that each one of us have messes with that balance.  Each of us responds to the introduction of new chemicals in different ways.  Many times the prescribing doctor does not really know all of the effects they will see when they introduce a chemical.  When there is not much risk to our lives or quality of life, we take drugs that have minimal effect.  Consequently, the newly introduced chemicals have little general effect on our overall being.

But there are times are times when harsh drugs need to be introduced to our system if we are to survive.  The upset of the balance within each of us begins.  We don’t  much regard for the side effects.  When we are in a fight for our life with a disease like cancer, we induce the drugs to live.  Oncologists introduce new chemical to counteract the new chemicals that have been introduced to our systems be the disease.

That may seem like a long drawn out discussion to make a simple point.  Drugs change us.  We see the massive and large change from the drugs used to kill cancer cells, but we often ignore the subtle changes in all of the other parts of our system.

My oncologist has changed the medical procedure used to fight the MDS from chemotherapy to oral medications.  Since the chemo stopped working, he decided to go to steroids to fight MDS.  The changes in my overall countenance have been amazing.  I have gone from a general malaise, low energy, difficult-to-focus person to an energized and alert person.   I can focus on my work and have energy to do so many things that I found to be so difficult to do before the change.  I am still in awe of what has just happened.  The overall purpose of the new drugs is certainly meant to thwart the effect of MDS, but the subtle changes I have experienced are encouraging to my soul.

Don’t get me wrong there are times in my cancer cycle that I wanted drugs, cried out for drugs.  The deterioration in my multiple-myeloma-affected bones had to be stopped.  The killer needed to become the victim if I were to live.  The side effects did not matter.  The pain associated with the disease had to be stopped before I went crazy.  I cried out for drugs to ease the effects of the disease that I was feeling and did not really care what the side effects were.

The point seems to be is that desperate times call for desperate measures and we are willing to take any risk just to have life itself.  We put up with the constipation and separation of mind and body that morphine brings about.  We put up with “chemo brain” and lethargy and vomiting because we want another breath.  We want life and we will put up with so many things to get it.

The Lord has granted us another day and I pray that each of us will make the most of it regardless the side effects are that we enduring at this moment.  “Count it all joy when you run across various trials…because you are being made perfect and complete lacking nothing.”  We are being perfected and regaining the balance the God intended.