The Balance Between Positiveness and Practicality

This area of positiveness is still new to me.  I have been such a pragmatist and logical person almost to the point of being negative much of my life.  Through the cancer and MDS the Lord has allowed me to see the positive side of life.  I know the benefit of being positive and keeping my immune system in the best condition to fight the diseases naturally.  And I will maintain positiveness at all costs knowing the Lord has my back.

When does practicality have its place?  Can I get too far down the path of positiveness that I am ignoring what is happening to me?  Or is letting the thoughts of practical thinking diminish my positiveness and consequently thwart the action of my immune system?

I am not sure that I have answers to these questions.  I am not sure that I am on any kind of natural timetable with my body any more.  I have to give it to Him and not worry about what is going on with my body.  My logical mind has me dead in weeks or months based on how quickly my body energy is decreasing.  I can get all down, depressed, and crazy, but I choose not to think about it.  Sometimes thoughts creep back in, but I just give them to the Lord.

He still seems to have things for me to do and is using me and that is all that matters.  Mentally and spiritually I am the best that I have ever been.  I am more active in ministry than I have ever been.  I am engaging in the lives of those around me helping them have fun and enjoy life.  Sometimes my body doesn’t keep up, but so be it.

What does all of that mean?  Someday I may not be able to walk, but that is not today.  Someday I may be in a wheelchair, but is not today.  Right now none of that is happening.  Right now I rejoice in what the Lord has allowed for me to do this day, how I have been allowed to speak into others lives.  I cannot worry about the tomorrow that I have been guaranteed.

I have to remember that Stephen Hawking writes book with the movement of his eyes.  If He wants to use me, He will keep me alive and figure out a way to get His message out through me.  My life and my body is no longer my own.

Long Term Illnesses Can Mess With Your Head

I didn’t think that I would be adding much more to this blog since the cancer has been in remission for over two years and the MDS seemed to fairly stable.  I guess I have been a little anxious lately about this incurable disease that the various drug regimens don’t seem to be able to control.

I know that I am to be anxious about nothing, but I don’t seem to be able to shake this feeling that my condition is worsening.  I guess that is a lack of faith.  It is definitely a lack of faith since I am not putting my life completely in the Lord’s hands.  I have a meeting with my oncologist tomorrow and I think that we need to have a very frank discussion about where this is going.

I guess that I really don’t know why this one seems to be getting to me.  The rest I have been able to get my peace and remain positive about the situation.  If I begin to think that I surely am going to die, will I die sooner?  The statistics say so.  I weaken my immune system and don’t fight disease as hard.  Why would I do that?  Why would I not go to the Lord and exchange this burden for His light one as I have done so far?  What is so different?

I think in this one I am generally well and my mind is clear. That can be a dangerous place for me to be.  I can over think what is going on and concentrate on what seems to be happening in this world and not realize that the spiritual world is what matters.  He has the plan for me and He unfolds is as He pleases and in His time.  For some reason I am not resting in that plan.

I think that another thing is that I don’t deal well with complements.  I had a nurse at the oncologist’s office call me one of the most positive people that he had met.  I just don’t do well with that.  I tend to take it in more than I should and not reflect it back to the Lord who really caused it to happen.  I want to regain that balance realizing that I am really the Lord’s to do with what He chooses.  I am nothing by myself.

Lord, take this anxiety and any wrong thoughts that I have and use me for whatever you will.  I don’t want these thoughts and feelings.  You are going to take when You will whether that is 20 minutes from now or 20 years.  Help me be secure in that fact.  Help me to remember that You have the best plan for me and that I cannot and desire not to effect that.  Help me to rest in You and your security.

Writing this part a little later, I have recovered peace.  Writing seems to be my therapy for talking out my inside doubts and fears.  The Lord is always faithful to exchange our sinfulness for His righteousness.  I don’t understand that at any level in this world, but I know that it works supernaturally.

I didn’t think that I would be adding much more to this blog since the cancer has been in remission for over two years and the MDS seemed to fairly stable. I guess I have been a little anxious lately about this incurable disease that the various drug regimens don’t seem to be able to control.

I know that I am to be anxious about nothing, but I don’t seem to be able to shake this feeling that my condition is worsening. I guess that is a lack of faith. It is definitely a lack of faith since I am not putting my life completely in the Lord’s hands. I have a meeting with my oncologist tomorrow and I think that we need to have a very frank discussion about where this is going.

I guess that I really don’t know why this one seems to be getting to me. The rest I have been able to get my peace and remain positive about the situation. If I begin to think that I surely am going to die, will I die sooner? The statistics say so. I weaken my immune system and don’t fight disease as hard. Why would I do that? Why would I not go to the Lord and exchange this burden for His light one as I have done so far? What is so different?

I think in this one I am generally well and my mind is clear. That can be a dangerous place for me to be. I can over think what is going on and concentrate on what seems to be happening in this world and not realize that the spiritual world is what matters. He has the plan for me and He unfolds is as He pleases and in His time. For some reason I am not resting in that plan.

I think that another thing is that I don’t deal well with complements. I had a nurse at the oncologist’s office call me one of the most positive people that he had met. I just don’t do well with that. I tend to take it in more than I should and not reflect it back to the Lord who really caused it to happen. I want to regain that balance realizing that I am really the Lord’s to do with what He chooses. I am nothing by myself.

Lord, take this anxiety and any wrong thoughts that I have and use me for whatever you will. I don’t want these thoughts and feelings. You are going to take when You will whether that is 20 minutes from now or 20 years. Help me be secure in that fact. Help me to remember that You have the best plan for me and that I cannot and desire not to effect that. Help me to rest in You and your security.

Writing this part a little later, I have recovered peace. Writing seems to be my therapy for talking out my inside doubts and fears. The Lord is always faithful to exchange our sinfulness for His righteousness. I don’t understand that at any level in this world, but I know that it works supernaturally.

Are You Happy?

There is something about coming close to death that makes life more precious.  Every minute takes on a little more meaning and often makes us rethink our priorities.  The question is you doing the things that make you happy?  Or are you doing things that have become a habit or duty for your life?

As we live lives it’s so easy to get in a groove of just doing things that we need to do to survive.  In the rut we create we loose track of our dreams and goals and loves and the happiness vibration that is within us.  As I examined my life, I found that for much of my life I had been doing something that I really did not like, but something that paid the bills.  I discovered that I had really pushed my dreams aside for the good of supporting my family.  Those pushed-aside-dreams are difficult to recover.

I needed to find out who I was and was to be.  I needed to find out how to bring the dreams and loves back into my life.  As a Christian the whole area of finding myself is intertwined in what He wants me to do and His purpose for my life.  The whole process of discovery has been amazing.

Why am I talking about this in relation to cancer?  I talked before about how our attitude affects the immune system.  Negativity and anger suppress our ability to heal ourselves.  Finding out how to be truly happy would certainly affect my own healing process.

What is this elusive happiness?  Of course, it’s unique for each of us just as our relationship with God is unique.  Going through cancer and getting close to death forces us to go one of two ways: bitter or better.  Honestly, throughout my disease journey, I have been both.  I see people who have taken both directions in the waiting rooms and clinics.  I have reacted poorly and angrily many times which was not good for my healing.

I am not completely sure not sure how I came to the point of accepting the disease as being from the Lord.  I am not sure when I began believing that He was in the process with me.  Somehow He got it through my thick head that He was perfecting me as the Bible talks about in James 1:2-4.  Understanding how a trials-equals-perfection life is a positive thing has been quite a ride.

Lord, how have You made the introvert a breath of fresh air to many around him?  How have You taken an arrogant man and made him humble and accepting of what comes his way.  How have you made me a person who talked to no one into a person who talks to everybody in a waiting room or a clinic?  How have you shown me that my happiness is in relationship with You and others?  How have You shown me that my happiness is about a deep relationship with people and You?

I am not sure completely how all of this took place. I know that the change has taken place on spiritual and mental levels that I cannot grasp.  I have become the happiest person I have ever been in my life.  I know that comes from being intertwined with You and others, but a by product is it that is encourages healing within my body.  What has happened is a true miracle that I am incapable of understanding.  I just want to keep up and enjoy the ride.

There Has Never Been a Better Time to Have Cancer

When I make this statement that is the title to people, they kind of look at me funny, particularly if they do not have cancer.  Cancer is still a killer and we still run in fear of having it.  We have seen way too many people die, usually in our families.  The thought of having cancer is terrifying, but there is much hope on the horizon.

At the same time medical science continues to progress in knowledge and treatments.  20 years ago, the cancer that I had, multiple myeloma, was a death sentence.  Now the survival rate is over 50%.  My grandmother died of it when I was 12.

I talked with a family in the oncology waiting room whose son had liver cancer.  They talked about an experimental procedure that was working where they planted radio isotopes in his liver where the cancer cells were and the isotopes were killing the cancer.  They talked about another procedure that does the same thing without the radiation.  A deadly killer like liver cancer might be finally submitting to treatment.

There are hundreds of kinds of cancer.  I cannot find a doctor who can give me a number.  The point is that each of the different cancers requires different treatments rather than treating it like one disease.  By separating them out or grouping them, researchers and physicians can focus on specific ones and specialize in treatment.

New drugs keep coming.  Chemotherapy is not chemotherapy any more.  Drugs are very targeted and specialized and the drugs perform miraculous things.  Each patient gets his or her specific combination to target the disease that they have.  Most drugs that I have encountered allow the patient to maintain a fairly high quality of life while they are on them.

There is no question people are still dying from cancer.  We can see them in our life.  But the amount of people living through or living with the disease is steadily increasing.  I see this trend continuing.  It no longer means death.  It probably means that you have to adjust your priorities in life, but it is not a death sentence.  There is life after cancer.  Many of my friends and I can attest to that.