The Balance Between Positiveness and Practicality

This area of positiveness is still new to me.  I have been such a pragmatist and logical person almost to the point of being negative much of my life.  Through the cancer and MDS the Lord has allowed me to see the positive side of life.  I know the benefit of being positive and keeping my immune system in the best condition to fight the diseases naturally.  And I will maintain positiveness at all costs knowing the Lord has my back.

When does practicality have its place?  Can I get too far down the path of positiveness that I am ignoring what is happening to me?  Or is letting the thoughts of practical thinking diminish my positiveness and consequently thwart the action of my immune system?

I am not sure that I have answers to these questions.  I am not sure that I am on any kind of natural timetable with my body any more.  I have to give it to Him and not worry about what is going on with my body.  My logical mind has me dead in weeks or months based on how quickly my body energy is decreasing.  I can get all down, depressed, and crazy, but I choose not to think about it.  Sometimes thoughts creep back in, but I just give them to the Lord.

He still seems to have things for me to do and is using me and that is all that matters.  Mentally and spiritually I am the best that I have ever been.  I am more active in ministry than I have ever been.  I am engaging in the lives of those around me helping them have fun and enjoy life.  Sometimes my body doesn’t keep up, but so be it.

What does all of that mean?  Someday I may not be able to walk, but that is not today.  Someday I may be in a wheelchair, but is not today.  Right now none of that is happening.  Right now I rejoice in what the Lord has allowed for me to do this day, how I have been allowed to speak into others lives.  I cannot worry about the tomorrow that I have been guaranteed.

I have to remember that Stephen Hawking writes book with the movement of his eyes.  If He wants to use me, He will keep me alive and figure out a way to get His message out through me.  My life and my body is no longer my own.

Long Term Illnesses Can Mess With Your Head

I didn’t think that I would be adding much more to this blog since the cancer has been in remission for over two years and the MDS seemed to fairly stable.  I guess I have been a little anxious lately about this incurable disease that the various drug regimens don’t seem to be able to control.

I know that I am to be anxious about nothing, but I don’t seem to be able to shake this feeling that my condition is worsening.  I guess that is a lack of faith.  It is definitely a lack of faith since I am not putting my life completely in the Lord’s hands.  I have a meeting with my oncologist tomorrow and I think that we need to have a very frank discussion about where this is going.

I guess that I really don’t know why this one seems to be getting to me.  The rest I have been able to get my peace and remain positive about the situation.  If I begin to think that I surely am going to die, will I die sooner?  The statistics say so.  I weaken my immune system and don’t fight disease as hard.  Why would I do that?  Why would I not go to the Lord and exchange this burden for His light one as I have done so far?  What is so different?

I think in this one I am generally well and my mind is clear. That can be a dangerous place for me to be.  I can over think what is going on and concentrate on what seems to be happening in this world and not realize that the spiritual world is what matters.  He has the plan for me and He unfolds is as He pleases and in His time.  For some reason I am not resting in that plan.

I think that another thing is that I don’t deal well with complements.  I had a nurse at the oncologist’s office call me one of the most positive people that he had met.  I just don’t do well with that.  I tend to take it in more than I should and not reflect it back to the Lord who really caused it to happen.  I want to regain that balance realizing that I am really the Lord’s to do with what He chooses.  I am nothing by myself.

Lord, take this anxiety and any wrong thoughts that I have and use me for whatever you will.  I don’t want these thoughts and feelings.  You are going to take when You will whether that is 20 minutes from now or 20 years.  Help me be secure in that fact.  Help me to remember that You have the best plan for me and that I cannot and desire not to effect that.  Help me to rest in You and your security.

Writing this part a little later, I have recovered peace.  Writing seems to be my therapy for talking out my inside doubts and fears.  The Lord is always faithful to exchange our sinfulness for His righteousness.  I don’t understand that at any level in this world, but I know that it works supernaturally.

I didn’t think that I would be adding much more to this blog since the cancer has been in remission for over two years and the MDS seemed to fairly stable. I guess I have been a little anxious lately about this incurable disease that the various drug regimens don’t seem to be able to control.

I know that I am to be anxious about nothing, but I don’t seem to be able to shake this feeling that my condition is worsening. I guess that is a lack of faith. It is definitely a lack of faith since I am not putting my life completely in the Lord’s hands. I have a meeting with my oncologist tomorrow and I think that we need to have a very frank discussion about where this is going.

I guess that I really don’t know why this one seems to be getting to me. The rest I have been able to get my peace and remain positive about the situation. If I begin to think that I surely am going to die, will I die sooner? The statistics say so. I weaken my immune system and don’t fight disease as hard. Why would I do that? Why would I not go to the Lord and exchange this burden for His light one as I have done so far? What is so different?

I think in this one I am generally well and my mind is clear. That can be a dangerous place for me to be. I can over think what is going on and concentrate on what seems to be happening in this world and not realize that the spiritual world is what matters. He has the plan for me and He unfolds is as He pleases and in His time. For some reason I am not resting in that plan.

I think that another thing is that I don’t deal well with complements. I had a nurse at the oncologist’s office call me one of the most positive people that he had met. I just don’t do well with that. I tend to take it in more than I should and not reflect it back to the Lord who really caused it to happen. I want to regain that balance realizing that I am really the Lord’s to do with what He chooses. I am nothing by myself.

Lord, take this anxiety and any wrong thoughts that I have and use me for whatever you will. I don’t want these thoughts and feelings. You are going to take when You will whether that is 20 minutes from now or 20 years. Help me be secure in that fact. Help me to remember that You have the best plan for me and that I cannot and desire not to effect that. Help me to rest in You and your security.

Writing this part a little later, I have recovered peace. Writing seems to be my therapy for talking out my inside doubts and fears. The Lord is always faithful to exchange our sinfulness for His righteousness. I don’t understand that at any level in this world, but I know that it works supernaturally.

Are You Over the Slap in the Face?

Maybe this should have been the first entry in the blog because it’s the beginning point.  But I think that I had forgotten this event, but it needs to be covered.  At the point that I received the news that I had cancer, I was just stunned and it put me in a place of disbelief and I felt some things that I cannot describe.  It was just not real.

Cancer was a death sentence as far as I knew.  Nobody survived that killer.  The fears started to creep along with the whys and the why me.  The slap hurts and blows us back from our little world of routines.  As we gradually absorb the thought we see that our world will never be the same.

My doctor confirmed that I had multiple myeloma over the phone while I was on a business trip.  All of the tests came back finding that “bone eating lesion” on my sixth rib was indeed cancer.  I probably should have been a little more alarmed at the term “bone eating lesion”, but it all seemed so surreal.

I started looking up the cancer on the Internet.  First I confused the name with melanoma which is a completely different kind of cancer.  Finally, in talking with my wife, I researched one and found out that what I had what used to be called bone cancer.  My grandmother had died from it when I was twelve.

Multiple myeloma was a death sentence until the mid-1980’s.  Now, the survival rate is about 50%.  I didn’t know any of that at the time; I just knew that I had cancer.  I didn’t know how much it would transform my life and how much I would change.  The slap just stunned me.  I’m pretty thick headed and it takes me a while to catch on to a new reality that I have to face.

Probably the hardest part to deal with was the uncertainty.  There are not answers to questions like, “Am I going to die?”  “What is going to happen to me?”  “What will happen to my family?”  “Where is God in all of this?”  “Have I been abandoned?”  I felt alone, not knowing really what to do or where to go.

Fortunately the medical community kicks in.  They guide you through all of the things that need to be done.  They schedule the surgeries, the chemotherapy, and the radiation as needed and you just follow along.  Gradually your mind clears and you begin to figure it out and come out of the process with some hope.  But expect an adjustment period as you get use to what you are going through.

Gradually, the routines begin to be manageable.  You find help from friends and loved ones that you never dreamed would be involved.  The community around you responds to your needs and as the stun subsides, you begin to feel the love.  Life is not necessarily good at this point depending on what you are going through, but you find it to be a time to begin healing.

Am I Ever Going to Sleep Right Again?

I remember when Nellie, the Physician’s Assistant at my oncologist’s office, started me on thalidomide to begin my cancer cure.  She said to me, “You are going to have some of the best sleep that you have ever had.”  I did not think much about it at the time but it has taken on a bit more meaning as I have gone through the healing process.

I had never slept very well for much of my life.  I often woke up very early in the morning and could not go back to sleep.  Four or five hour nights of sleep were common for me.  But one of the side effects of this drug, thalidomide, was gentle and restful sleep and I will say that was good, very good.  Rest for the body speeds the healing process.  Maybe that’s why we tend to sleep so much after surgeries and other trauma that happens to our body.

The other side effect of the drugs that we take can give us restless sleep as well.  This side effect I learned about from Anne whom I met in the oncology clinic.  She was dealing with the after effects of a colonoscopy and surgery.  Her chemotherapy treatment gave her restless sleep.  I remember her saying, “If I could just get four hours of continuous sleep, it would be great.”

My oncologist just changed the drug regimen that he is using the treat my MDS.  The chemo procedure looked favorable for a time but in the end was not the solution.  Now I am on steroids and vitamins which I had mentioned before.  The effect on sleep has been drastic.  I am almost in whiplash from in going from general malaise condition under the chemo to being over stimulated on the steroids.  I now sleep about two hours a night.  I catch small “cat naps” during the day or if I can get back to sleep in the night.  I have more energy than I may have ever had in my life.

I don’t know if you or I will ever sleep right again.  I am not sure that I slept right before I had cancer and MDS.  We are so different in our sleep patterns and the effect that too little sleep has on us.  When we inject harsh drugs into our systems to keep us alive, we have to deal with what comes our way.

What we fail to see is that we are not who we were.  Radical things have happened to our bodies and they are not the same.  But the Lord has made radical things happen to our soul and spirit during the same process of physical healing.  We are brand new.  The new normal that we have become has new characteristics associated with it.  One of those things may be changes in sleep patterns.  But during that time the Lord has given me a closer insight to Him and things of Him and His true desire to be involved in all aspects of my life.  I pray that I will always be able to embrace the change that He allows in my life.

When Will the Healing Come?

There is unfortunately no predicting when and if you will be healed.  If you know the Lord, then you know the ultimate healer.  He, of course, does what He pleases in the time that He chooses.  His actions are way beyond any control that you or I have.  Does that mean it does no good to pray?  No, I don’t think so.  I personally offer continuous pray for me and my friends.  I just don’t get to control when He chooses to deliver it.

Doctors are generally smart people steeped in all of the science that is available to cure cancer.  I certainly trust my oncologist with many aspects of my life.  Science certainly has progressed greatly in the cure for the different kinds of cancer.  Doctors know more now than ever before.  They prescribe what is necessary based on their knowledge.

Science is really not at odds with the faith-based community.  Nothing comes at us unless the Lord allows it.  I believe that statement is true in both the illnesses and the cures.  The results of the procedures prescribed ultimately belong to the Lord.  I am still fascinated with how different chemicals react differently within the people.  Very few reactions seem to be the same.

I was reading in the March 2, 2009 issue of Forbes about “spontaneous tumor reductions being the rarest and most mysterious events in medicine.”  Is that healing by faith?  The people in the article were apparently not Christians, but they were being healed.  The most recent event being my friend, John, who had a tumor on his spine “vanish.”

Miraculous? Yes, I believe so.  Miracles still happen.  Miracles happen in many forms that we don’t often think of.  It is a miracle that science is given a new drug that helps in the recovery or remission process.  God continues to unfold the wonders to all.  He uses Christian and scientists alike to accomplish His work.  He works in miraculous ways that we don’t completely understand.

Everyday I see amazing things in the oncology clinic with my friends and heroes.  I watch my friend, Ben, holding his ground with pancreatic cancer and keeps one of the most gentle and positive dispositions I know.  I see Chuck who has just recovered from colon cancer where his doctor said his cure was like winning the lottery.  I watch Mary and Sandra and Karen deal with multiple types of cancer in their bodies and retaining their joy and sense of humor.  I see Judi and Cheryl take on long term illnesses and not miss a beat in their lives.  Many people in the clinic still work on jobs full time.  I know I have left someone out, these are all miracles that would not have been possible even fives years ago.  Yes, miracles happen everyday and the healing will come.

There Has Never Been a Better Time to Have Cancer

When I make this statement that is the title to people, they kind of look at me funny, particularly if they do not have cancer.  Cancer is still a killer and we still run in fear of having it.  We have seen way too many people die, usually in our families.  The thought of having cancer is terrifying, but there is much hope on the horizon.

At the same time medical science continues to progress in knowledge and treatments.  20 years ago, the cancer that I had, multiple myeloma, was a death sentence.  Now the survival rate is over 50%.  My grandmother died of it when I was 12.

I talked with a family in the oncology waiting room whose son had liver cancer.  They talked about an experimental procedure that was working where they planted radio isotopes in his liver where the cancer cells were and the isotopes were killing the cancer.  They talked about another procedure that does the same thing without the radiation.  A deadly killer like liver cancer might be finally submitting to treatment.

There are hundreds of kinds of cancer.  I cannot find a doctor who can give me a number.  The point is that each of the different cancers requires different treatments rather than treating it like one disease.  By separating them out or grouping them, researchers and physicians can focus on specific ones and specialize in treatment.

New drugs keep coming.  Chemotherapy is not chemotherapy any more.  Drugs are very targeted and specialized and the drugs perform miraculous things.  Each patient gets his or her specific combination to target the disease that they have.  Most drugs that I have encountered allow the patient to maintain a fairly high quality of life while they are on them.

There is no question people are still dying from cancer.  We can see them in our life.  But the amount of people living through or living with the disease is steadily increasing.  I see this trend continuing.  It no longer means death.  It probably means that you have to adjust your priorities in life, but it is not a death sentence.  There is life after cancer.  Many of my friends and I can attest to that.