Am I Ever Going to Sleep Right Again?

I remember when Nellie, the Physician’s Assistant at my oncologist’s office, started me on thalidomide to begin my cancer cure.  She said to me, “You are going to have some of the best sleep that you have ever had.”  I did not think much about it at the time but it has taken on a bit more meaning as I have gone through the healing process.

I had never slept very well for much of my life.  I often woke up very early in the morning and could not go back to sleep.  Four or five hour nights of sleep were common for me.  But one of the side effects of this drug, thalidomide, was gentle and restful sleep and I will say that was good, very good.  Rest for the body speeds the healing process.  Maybe that’s why we tend to sleep so much after surgeries and other trauma that happens to our body.

The other side effect of the drugs that we take can give us restless sleep as well.  This side effect I learned about from Anne whom I met in the oncology clinic.  She was dealing with the after effects of a colonoscopy and surgery.  Her chemotherapy treatment gave her restless sleep.  I remember her saying, “If I could just get four hours of continuous sleep, it would be great.”

My oncologist just changed the drug regimen that he is using the treat my MDS.  The chemo procedure looked favorable for a time but in the end was not the solution.  Now I am on steroids and vitamins which I had mentioned before.  The effect on sleep has been drastic.  I am almost in whiplash from in going from general malaise condition under the chemo to being over stimulated on the steroids.  I now sleep about two hours a night.  I catch small “cat naps” during the day or if I can get back to sleep in the night.  I have more energy than I may have ever had in my life.

I don’t know if you or I will ever sleep right again.  I am not sure that I slept right before I had cancer and MDS.  We are so different in our sleep patterns and the effect that too little sleep has on us.  When we inject harsh drugs into our systems to keep us alive, we have to deal with what comes our way.

What we fail to see is that we are not who we were.  Radical things have happened to our bodies and they are not the same.  But the Lord has made radical things happen to our soul and spirit during the same process of physical healing.  We are brand new.  The new normal that we have become has new characteristics associated with it.  One of those things may be changes in sleep patterns.  But during that time the Lord has given me a closer insight to Him and things of Him and His true desire to be involved in all aspects of my life.  I pray that I will always be able to embrace the change that He allows in my life.

Are You Happy?

There is something about coming close to death that makes life more precious.  Every minute takes on a little more meaning and often makes us rethink our priorities.  The question is you doing the things that make you happy?  Or are you doing things that have become a habit or duty for your life?

As we live lives it’s so easy to get in a groove of just doing things that we need to do to survive.  In the rut we create we loose track of our dreams and goals and loves and the happiness vibration that is within us.  As I examined my life, I found that for much of my life I had been doing something that I really did not like, but something that paid the bills.  I discovered that I had really pushed my dreams aside for the good of supporting my family.  Those pushed-aside-dreams are difficult to recover.

I needed to find out who I was and was to be.  I needed to find out how to bring the dreams and loves back into my life.  As a Christian the whole area of finding myself is intertwined in what He wants me to do and His purpose for my life.  The whole process of discovery has been amazing.

Why am I talking about this in relation to cancer?  I talked before about how our attitude affects the immune system.  Negativity and anger suppress our ability to heal ourselves.  Finding out how to be truly happy would certainly affect my own healing process.

What is this elusive happiness?  Of course, it’s unique for each of us just as our relationship with God is unique.  Going through cancer and getting close to death forces us to go one of two ways: bitter or better.  Honestly, throughout my disease journey, I have been both.  I see people who have taken both directions in the waiting rooms and clinics.  I have reacted poorly and angrily many times which was not good for my healing.

I am not completely sure not sure how I came to the point of accepting the disease as being from the Lord.  I am not sure when I began believing that He was in the process with me.  Somehow He got it through my thick head that He was perfecting me as the Bible talks about in James 1:2-4.  Understanding how a trials-equals-perfection life is a positive thing has been quite a ride.

Lord, how have You made the introvert a breath of fresh air to many around him?  How have You taken an arrogant man and made him humble and accepting of what comes his way.  How have you made me a person who talked to no one into a person who talks to everybody in a waiting room or a clinic?  How have you shown me that my happiness is in relationship with You and others?  How have You shown me that my happiness is about a deep relationship with people and You?

I am not sure completely how all of this took place. I know that the change has taken place on spiritual and mental levels that I cannot grasp.  I have become the happiest person I have ever been in my life.  I know that comes from being intertwined with You and others, but a by product is it that is encourages healing within my body.  What has happened is a true miracle that I am incapable of understanding.  I just want to keep up and enjoy the ride.

Let’s Look at the Drug Thing Again

I am fascinated with the prospect of what it means to be “fearfully and wonderfully made” as it talks about in Psalm 139:13-14.  The Lord creates the perfect balance of chemicals is each of us to make us who we are.  Minute changes in some of the critical chemicals makes us depressed or elated, introspective or outgoing, and so on.  Some chemicals give us energy and drive and others make us withdraw.  The subtle changes in the chemicals over our lives move us from youth to aging.  The Lord puts this chemical balance in each of us to make the beautiful and unique creatures that we are.

Introducing new chemicals into this wondrous system that each one of us have messes with that balance.  Each of us responds to the introduction of new chemicals in different ways.  Many times the prescribing doctor does not really know all of the effects they will see when they introduce a chemical.  When there is not much risk to our lives or quality of life, we take drugs that have minimal effect.  Consequently, the newly introduced chemicals have little general effect on our overall being.

But there are times are times when harsh drugs need to be introduced to our system if we are to survive.  The upset of the balance within each of us begins.  We don’t  much regard for the side effects.  When we are in a fight for our life with a disease like cancer, we induce the drugs to live.  Oncologists introduce new chemical to counteract the new chemicals that have been introduced to our systems be the disease.

That may seem like a long drawn out discussion to make a simple point.  Drugs change us.  We see the massive and large change from the drugs used to kill cancer cells, but we often ignore the subtle changes in all of the other parts of our system.

My oncologist has changed the medical procedure used to fight the MDS from chemotherapy to oral medications.  Since the chemo stopped working, he decided to go to steroids to fight MDS.  The changes in my overall countenance have been amazing.  I have gone from a general malaise, low energy, difficult-to-focus person to an energized and alert person.   I can focus on my work and have energy to do so many things that I found to be so difficult to do before the change.  I am still in awe of what has just happened.  The overall purpose of the new drugs is certainly meant to thwart the effect of MDS, but the subtle changes I have experienced are encouraging to my soul.

Don’t get me wrong there are times in my cancer cycle that I wanted drugs, cried out for drugs.  The deterioration in my multiple-myeloma-affected bones had to be stopped.  The killer needed to become the victim if I were to live.  The side effects did not matter.  The pain associated with the disease had to be stopped before I went crazy.  I cried out for drugs to ease the effects of the disease that I was feeling and did not really care what the side effects were.

The point seems to be is that desperate times call for desperate measures and we are willing to take any risk just to have life itself.  We put up with the constipation and separation of mind and body that morphine brings about.  We put up with “chemo brain” and lethargy and vomiting because we want another breath.  We want life and we will put up with so many things to get it.

The Lord has granted us another day and I pray that each of us will make the most of it regardless the side effects are that we enduring at this moment.  “Count it all joy when you run across various trials…because you are being made perfect and complete lacking nothing.”  We are being perfected and regaining the balance the God intended.

Are We Really What We Eat and How Much We Move?

We have all have had the virtues of diet and exercise pumped into us by the culture that we live in that is enthralled by thin, well-toned bodies.  But that is not really reality for most of us.  We have found that our bodies seem to have a mind of their own when it comes to what we weigh and how much we exercise.  It sometimes seems that the energy it takes to keep eating correctly and exercising frequently are goals for some, just thoughts for others, and fantasies for many.

Cancer and related illnesses cause it to be more difficult to adhere to eating well and exercising often.  When you are in the midst of chemotherapy and radiation there are times, most times, that eating and exercising just aren’t things that come to mind.  In fact, these two things may be the last things on our mind.

I remember times when I was in the worst of my cancer and lying mostly flat on my back, walking to the end of the house with the use of my walker was a big deal.  I know the nausea and vomiting associated sometimes associated with chemo makes us reluctant to even take food in.  There are times when we just don’t want to eat or move.

Since I quit smoking about 35 years ago, I have always worked out.  I ran a lot and played sports with my kids.  I think that I was probably a little too proud of my body and the Lord needed to teach me a couple of things in that area.  Lying on my back for about six months changed my body and my attitude about it.  I joined a gym after I had recovered from the multiple myeloma in order to recover some muscle mass and to get more flexible after the back surgeries to repair my deteriorated spine.

I still try to go to the gym three times a week, but I admit it’s a struggle during some of my chemo treatments.  I just feel tired and want to sit down.

• I know that I need to workout three times a week at least, but sometimes it does not get done.
• I know I need to do at least 15 minutes of cardio workout, 30 would be better, but that may not come either.
• I know that I need to do stretching and weights to keep my muscles and joints working, but sometimes that does not get done either.

Diet is another thing that can be hit or miss.  I know the things that I should do:

• eat more fruits and vegetables,
• keep away from the five white foods (white bread, white rice, white pasta, processed sugar, and potatoes) use the whole grain versions instead,
• try to eat food items that are lower on the glycemic index,
• eat smaller portions,
• restrict the intake of red meat,  but take in more fish, chicken and eat lean meats, also
• eat foods with antioxidants.

But do I do it?  Sometimes the answer is yes and other times no.  I have a sweet tooth.  It’s hard to pass up a donut or ice cream or pie or a cookie.  I like an occasional meal of a good hamburger and French fries at my favorite hamburger place.  But I also eat lots of salads and try to have fruits and vegetables each day.  I try to intake fish and chicken, but I also have pizza.  Sometimes I control my portions and sometimes I overeat.  Go figure.

With the Lord’s help we can move into the areas of good diet and exercise as best we can.  Each area affects how we feel and how well we recover.  My parents used to say that we should try to eat as normally as possible when we are sick.  We need to do what we can in each area.  If we can only walk to the end of the house then that’s our exercise of the day.  If we can only eat a couple of spoonfuls of soup today then that’s our diet.  Sometimes that’s the way it is, but I think that we need to continue to push back to normal each day if we want to beat the disease that we have and try to return to some quality of life.

In the final analysis there are three things at work in this process of healing:

• science of the medical community,
• God’s actions in our lives, and
• our attitude about healing.

How much we affect this process is not really known, but how much we pursue being healthy through exercise and diet definitely has an effect on the outcome of the process.