Long Term Illnesses Can Mess With Your Head

I didn’t think that I would be adding much more to this blog since the cancer has been in remission for over two years and the MDS seemed to fairly stable.  I guess I have been a little anxious lately about this incurable disease that the various drug regimens don’t seem to be able to control.

I know that I am to be anxious about nothing, but I don’t seem to be able to shake this feeling that my condition is worsening.  I guess that is a lack of faith.  It is definitely a lack of faith since I am not putting my life completely in the Lord’s hands.  I have a meeting with my oncologist tomorrow and I think that we need to have a very frank discussion about where this is going.

I guess that I really don’t know why this one seems to be getting to me.  The rest I have been able to get my peace and remain positive about the situation.  If I begin to think that I surely am going to die, will I die sooner?  The statistics say so.  I weaken my immune system and don’t fight disease as hard.  Why would I do that?  Why would I not go to the Lord and exchange this burden for His light one as I have done so far?  What is so different?

I think in this one I am generally well and my mind is clear. That can be a dangerous place for me to be.  I can over think what is going on and concentrate on what seems to be happening in this world and not realize that the spiritual world is what matters.  He has the plan for me and He unfolds is as He pleases and in His time.  For some reason I am not resting in that plan.

I think that another thing is that I don’t deal well with complements.  I had a nurse at the oncologist’s office call me one of the most positive people that he had met.  I just don’t do well with that.  I tend to take it in more than I should and not reflect it back to the Lord who really caused it to happen.  I want to regain that balance realizing that I am really the Lord’s to do with what He chooses.  I am nothing by myself.

Lord, take this anxiety and any wrong thoughts that I have and use me for whatever you will.  I don’t want these thoughts and feelings.  You are going to take when You will whether that is 20 minutes from now or 20 years.  Help me be secure in that fact.  Help me to remember that You have the best plan for me and that I cannot and desire not to effect that.  Help me to rest in You and your security.

Writing this part a little later, I have recovered peace.  Writing seems to be my therapy for talking out my inside doubts and fears.  The Lord is always faithful to exchange our sinfulness for His righteousness.  I don’t understand that at any level in this world, but I know that it works supernaturally.

I didn’t think that I would be adding much more to this blog since the cancer has been in remission for over two years and the MDS seemed to fairly stable. I guess I have been a little anxious lately about this incurable disease that the various drug regimens don’t seem to be able to control.

I know that I am to be anxious about nothing, but I don’t seem to be able to shake this feeling that my condition is worsening. I guess that is a lack of faith. It is definitely a lack of faith since I am not putting my life completely in the Lord’s hands. I have a meeting with my oncologist tomorrow and I think that we need to have a very frank discussion about where this is going.

I guess that I really don’t know why this one seems to be getting to me. The rest I have been able to get my peace and remain positive about the situation. If I begin to think that I surely am going to die, will I die sooner? The statistics say so. I weaken my immune system and don’t fight disease as hard. Why would I do that? Why would I not go to the Lord and exchange this burden for His light one as I have done so far? What is so different?

I think in this one I am generally well and my mind is clear. That can be a dangerous place for me to be. I can over think what is going on and concentrate on what seems to be happening in this world and not realize that the spiritual world is what matters. He has the plan for me and He unfolds is as He pleases and in His time. For some reason I am not resting in that plan.

I think that another thing is that I don’t deal well with complements. I had a nurse at the oncologist’s office call me one of the most positive people that he had met. I just don’t do well with that. I tend to take it in more than I should and not reflect it back to the Lord who really caused it to happen. I want to regain that balance realizing that I am really the Lord’s to do with what He chooses. I am nothing by myself.

Lord, take this anxiety and any wrong thoughts that I have and use me for whatever you will. I don’t want these thoughts and feelings. You are going to take when You will whether that is 20 minutes from now or 20 years. Help me be secure in that fact. Help me to remember that You have the best plan for me and that I cannot and desire not to effect that. Help me to rest in You and your security.

Writing this part a little later, I have recovered peace. Writing seems to be my therapy for talking out my inside doubts and fears. The Lord is always faithful to exchange our sinfulness for His righteousness. I don’t understand that at any level in this world, but I know that it works supernaturally.