Are You Over the Slap in the Face?

Maybe this should have been the first entry in the blog because it’s the beginning point.  But I think that I had forgotten this event, but it needs to be covered.  At the point that I received the news that I had cancer, I was just stunned and it put me in a place of disbelief and I felt some things that I cannot describe.  It was just not real.

Cancer was a death sentence as far as I knew.  Nobody survived that killer.  The fears started to creep along with the whys and the why me.  The slap hurts and blows us back from our little world of routines.  As we gradually absorb the thought we see that our world will never be the same.

My doctor confirmed that I had multiple myeloma over the phone while I was on a business trip.  All of the tests came back finding that “bone eating lesion” on my sixth rib was indeed cancer.  I probably should have been a little more alarmed at the term “bone eating lesion”, but it all seemed so surreal.

I started looking up the cancer on the Internet.  First I confused the name with melanoma which is a completely different kind of cancer.  Finally, in talking with my wife, I researched one and found out that what I had what used to be called bone cancer.  My grandmother had died from it when I was twelve.

Multiple myeloma was a death sentence until the mid-1980’s.  Now, the survival rate is about 50%.  I didn’t know any of that at the time; I just knew that I had cancer.  I didn’t know how much it would transform my life and how much I would change.  The slap just stunned me.  I’m pretty thick headed and it takes me a while to catch on to a new reality that I have to face.

Probably the hardest part to deal with was the uncertainty.  There are not answers to questions like, “Am I going to die?”  “What is going to happen to me?”  “What will happen to my family?”  “Where is God in all of this?”  “Have I been abandoned?”  I felt alone, not knowing really what to do or where to go.

Fortunately the medical community kicks in.  They guide you through all of the things that need to be done.  They schedule the surgeries, the chemotherapy, and the radiation as needed and you just follow along.  Gradually your mind clears and you begin to figure it out and come out of the process with some hope.  But expect an adjustment period as you get use to what you are going through.

Gradually, the routines begin to be manageable.  You find help from friends and loved ones that you never dreamed would be involved.  The community around you responds to your needs and as the stun subsides, you begin to feel the love.  Life is not necessarily good at this point depending on what you are going through, but you find it to be a time to begin healing.

Am I Ever Going to Sleep Right Again?

I remember when Nellie, the Physician’s Assistant at my oncologist’s office, started me on thalidomide to begin my cancer cure.  She said to me, “You are going to have some of the best sleep that you have ever had.”  I did not think much about it at the time but it has taken on a bit more meaning as I have gone through the healing process.

I had never slept very well for much of my life.  I often woke up very early in the morning and could not go back to sleep.  Four or five hour nights of sleep were common for me.  But one of the side effects of this drug, thalidomide, was gentle and restful sleep and I will say that was good, very good.  Rest for the body speeds the healing process.  Maybe that’s why we tend to sleep so much after surgeries and other trauma that happens to our body.

The other side effect of the drugs that we take can give us restless sleep as well.  This side effect I learned about from Anne whom I met in the oncology clinic.  She was dealing with the after effects of a colonoscopy and surgery.  Her chemotherapy treatment gave her restless sleep.  I remember her saying, “If I could just get four hours of continuous sleep, it would be great.”

My oncologist just changed the drug regimen that he is using the treat my MDS.  The chemo procedure looked favorable for a time but in the end was not the solution.  Now I am on steroids and vitamins which I had mentioned before.  The effect on sleep has been drastic.  I am almost in whiplash from in going from general malaise condition under the chemo to being over stimulated on the steroids.  I now sleep about two hours a night.  I catch small “cat naps” during the day or if I can get back to sleep in the night.  I have more energy than I may have ever had in my life.

I don’t know if you or I will ever sleep right again.  I am not sure that I slept right before I had cancer and MDS.  We are so different in our sleep patterns and the effect that too little sleep has on us.  When we inject harsh drugs into our systems to keep us alive, we have to deal with what comes our way.

What we fail to see is that we are not who we were.  Radical things have happened to our bodies and they are not the same.  But the Lord has made radical things happen to our soul and spirit during the same process of physical healing.  We are brand new.  The new normal that we have become has new characteristics associated with it.  One of those things may be changes in sleep patterns.  But during that time the Lord has given me a closer insight to Him and things of Him and His true desire to be involved in all aspects of my life.  I pray that I will always be able to embrace the change that He allows in my life.

This is Not Your Father’s Chemo

When I tell people that I am taking chemotherapy, they sometimes look at me a little funny thinking that I should be a lot sicker than I am.  I can understand why they would feel that way if they have seen someone go through chemo procedures at some time in the past.  It just is not the case anymore.

My father was wonderful man who passes away about 15 years ago from acute leukemia.  He made a conscious choice not to take chemotherapy because he had seen what the “cure” did to his friends.  He decided that he did not want to live as he saw them live after they had taken chemo.  I never questioned my father’s decision then, nor do I do it now.  At the time and with his age, that seemed to have been the logical choice.

What chemo does and how it works has changed so much in recent years.  Yes, there are chemotherapy drugs that devastate people and make them weak, and vomit, and loose their hair.  Taking the drugs plus the radiation or possible surgery that is often needed can make life brutal for a time.  Unfortunately, these procedures are necessary when cancer has progressed rapidly or has not been caught early.

Fortunately, there is another side.  Many of the chemo cocktails mixed do not have the harsh side effects.  The chemo regimen that I take for MDS leaves my hair and only gives some nausea.  The drugs tend to target a specific problem and do not have the overall body impact of the drugs of the past.  People tend to be able to carry on with their lives rather than be bed-ridden or in a catatonic state.

Are the new drugs perfect with few repercussions?  I don’t think that is a true statement yet, but the drugs keep improving all of the time.  I was reading an article in the March 22 issue of Forbes where scientists are looking at miracle cures.  What they are finding that stimulating the person’s immune system to have the body heal itself is what the scientists are currently thinking.  So far a small percentage of people responded to the immune stimulus drugs, but hope abounds with the new cocktails.

I still believe that the hand of God is in the chemo drugs and the person prescribing them.  I don’t think anything escapes His eyes particularly for those who love Him and know Him.  I still know who the healer is and the power that He wields throughout the universe.  I am grateful that He is allowing scientists to investigate these new areas.