Long Term Illnesses Can Mess With Your Head

I didn’t think that I would be adding much more to this blog since the cancer has been in remission for over two years and the MDS seemed to fairly stable.  I guess I have been a little anxious lately about this incurable disease that the various drug regimens don’t seem to be able to control.

I know that I am to be anxious about nothing, but I don’t seem to be able to shake this feeling that my condition is worsening.  I guess that is a lack of faith.  It is definitely a lack of faith since I am not putting my life completely in the Lord’s hands.  I have a meeting with my oncologist tomorrow and I think that we need to have a very frank discussion about where this is going.

I guess that I really don’t know why this one seems to be getting to me.  The rest I have been able to get my peace and remain positive about the situation.  If I begin to think that I surely am going to die, will I die sooner?  The statistics say so.  I weaken my immune system and don’t fight disease as hard.  Why would I do that?  Why would I not go to the Lord and exchange this burden for His light one as I have done so far?  What is so different?

I think in this one I am generally well and my mind is clear. That can be a dangerous place for me to be.  I can over think what is going on and concentrate on what seems to be happening in this world and not realize that the spiritual world is what matters.  He has the plan for me and He unfolds is as He pleases and in His time.  For some reason I am not resting in that plan.

I think that another thing is that I don’t deal well with complements.  I had a nurse at the oncologist’s office call me one of the most positive people that he had met.  I just don’t do well with that.  I tend to take it in more than I should and not reflect it back to the Lord who really caused it to happen.  I want to regain that balance realizing that I am really the Lord’s to do with what He chooses.  I am nothing by myself.

Lord, take this anxiety and any wrong thoughts that I have and use me for whatever you will.  I don’t want these thoughts and feelings.  You are going to take when You will whether that is 20 minutes from now or 20 years.  Help me be secure in that fact.  Help me to remember that You have the best plan for me and that I cannot and desire not to effect that.  Help me to rest in You and your security.

Writing this part a little later, I have recovered peace.  Writing seems to be my therapy for talking out my inside doubts and fears.  The Lord is always faithful to exchange our sinfulness for His righteousness.  I don’t understand that at any level in this world, but I know that it works supernaturally.

I didn’t think that I would be adding much more to this blog since the cancer has been in remission for over two years and the MDS seemed to fairly stable. I guess I have been a little anxious lately about this incurable disease that the various drug regimens don’t seem to be able to control.

I know that I am to be anxious about nothing, but I don’t seem to be able to shake this feeling that my condition is worsening. I guess that is a lack of faith. It is definitely a lack of faith since I am not putting my life completely in the Lord’s hands. I have a meeting with my oncologist tomorrow and I think that we need to have a very frank discussion about where this is going.

I guess that I really don’t know why this one seems to be getting to me. The rest I have been able to get my peace and remain positive about the situation. If I begin to think that I surely am going to die, will I die sooner? The statistics say so. I weaken my immune system and don’t fight disease as hard. Why would I do that? Why would I not go to the Lord and exchange this burden for His light one as I have done so far? What is so different?

I think in this one I am generally well and my mind is clear. That can be a dangerous place for me to be. I can over think what is going on and concentrate on what seems to be happening in this world and not realize that the spiritual world is what matters. He has the plan for me and He unfolds is as He pleases and in His time. For some reason I am not resting in that plan.

I think that another thing is that I don’t deal well with complements. I had a nurse at the oncologist’s office call me one of the most positive people that he had met. I just don’t do well with that. I tend to take it in more than I should and not reflect it back to the Lord who really caused it to happen. I want to regain that balance realizing that I am really the Lord’s to do with what He chooses. I am nothing by myself.

Lord, take this anxiety and any wrong thoughts that I have and use me for whatever you will. I don’t want these thoughts and feelings. You are going to take when You will whether that is 20 minutes from now or 20 years. Help me be secure in that fact. Help me to remember that You have the best plan for me and that I cannot and desire not to effect that. Help me to rest in You and your security.

Writing this part a little later, I have recovered peace. Writing seems to be my therapy for talking out my inside doubts and fears. The Lord is always faithful to exchange our sinfulness for His righteousness. I don’t understand that at any level in this world, but I know that it works supernaturally.

Are You Over the Slap in the Face?

Maybe this should have been the first entry in the blog because it’s the beginning point.  But I think that I had forgotten this event, but it needs to be covered.  At the point that I received the news that I had cancer, I was just stunned and it put me in a place of disbelief and I felt some things that I cannot describe.  It was just not real.

Cancer was a death sentence as far as I knew.  Nobody survived that killer.  The fears started to creep along with the whys and the why me.  The slap hurts and blows us back from our little world of routines.  As we gradually absorb the thought we see that our world will never be the same.

My doctor confirmed that I had multiple myeloma over the phone while I was on a business trip.  All of the tests came back finding that “bone eating lesion” on my sixth rib was indeed cancer.  I probably should have been a little more alarmed at the term “bone eating lesion”, but it all seemed so surreal.

I started looking up the cancer on the Internet.  First I confused the name with melanoma which is a completely different kind of cancer.  Finally, in talking with my wife, I researched one and found out that what I had what used to be called bone cancer.  My grandmother had died from it when I was twelve.

Multiple myeloma was a death sentence until the mid-1980’s.  Now, the survival rate is about 50%.  I didn’t know any of that at the time; I just knew that I had cancer.  I didn’t know how much it would transform my life and how much I would change.  The slap just stunned me.  I’m pretty thick headed and it takes me a while to catch on to a new reality that I have to face.

Probably the hardest part to deal with was the uncertainty.  There are not answers to questions like, “Am I going to die?”  “What is going to happen to me?”  “What will happen to my family?”  “Where is God in all of this?”  “Have I been abandoned?”  I felt alone, not knowing really what to do or where to go.

Fortunately the medical community kicks in.  They guide you through all of the things that need to be done.  They schedule the surgeries, the chemotherapy, and the radiation as needed and you just follow along.  Gradually your mind clears and you begin to figure it out and come out of the process with some hope.  But expect an adjustment period as you get use to what you are going through.

Gradually, the routines begin to be manageable.  You find help from friends and loved ones that you never dreamed would be involved.  The community around you responds to your needs and as the stun subsides, you begin to feel the love.  Life is not necessarily good at this point depending on what you are going through, but you find it to be a time to begin healing.

Are the Scheduled Procedures Managing You?

There have been at least two times that I can think of in my journey that the scheduled procedures that I had to go through seem to have been managing my life rather than the other way around.  Things just occur sometimes and it seems that we have no control of our lives.  Sometimes that really frustrates me and I tend to push back against it.  Then I have to remember that my doctors are trying to keep me alive.

The first time procedures seemed to control my life was when I had just started the multiple myeloma treatments.  The procedures started by toughening my bones by taking promidrinate on a frequent basis.  The doctors also wanted to arrest the cancer so they started radiation treatments at the same time.  The radiation was extensive and I seemed to be going twice a week or more.  At the time I was sick enough that that I really did not notice the schedule.

The other time that I am feeling the press of scheduled procedures on my life is now.  The difference is that I feel well and am quite active even holding down a part-time job.  The cancer is gone, but I am dealing with MDS which suppresses my ability to produce enough blood cells.  When the MDS is at its worst, I need frequent transfusions which at the moment is twice a week.  I also take a chemotherapy drug named Vidaza that works on at correcting my bone marrow.  Those procedures occur seven times a month.  Sometimes I feel like my procedures are taking over.

It’s really easy to get annoyed and frustrated.  It is really easy to ask what the Lord is doing in this situation.  It’s even pretty easy to be fearful about what is going to happen as the procedures get closer and closer together.  Those are all of the things that go through my mind when I am thinking in my own power and start to feel pity for myself.

Then I have to stop and realize whose I am.  I have to realize that He is in control and that He has a plan.  I know that He is giving me today and that I am going to try to enjoy it and the people around me as much as I can.  I just pray for another day like this one. Thank you Lord for what You have done so far and for what You will do in the future.

When Everything in You Screams Enough

It will happen.  You will reach a limit physically, emotionally, spiritually, or maybe all three.  Darkness and death seem to be at the door and you think that you can’t take it anymore.  You will forget who the true healer is.  You think that I would rather die than take one more stinking procedure.

To say that most of us have already been there would be an understatement.  Some of us have been there more than once.  Most journeys through cancer aren’t easy.  If it’s not the disease, then it’s the radiation.  If not the radiation then it’s the chemotherapy.  If it’s not the chemo, then it’s the surgery.  Maybe it’s all of them coming together in your life.  Sometimes the grind is hard.

This is a time when you really don’t want to interact with anyone because they will see what a wimp you are or much worse, how shallow a Christian you are.  But I tell you this is the time to call on your support system.  You need to talk this out with others that you can be honest with.  Satan wants you to be isolated and alone during this time so that he can mess with your head.  Also, call on the Lord for His mercy, grace, comfort, and healing during this time.

What I just described is probably the last thing that you want to do.  You don’t have to do it.  It is literally your choice, but I can’t tell you how much my support group ministered to me during the dark times.  My friend, Terry, took me to some on my radiation treatments.  He and his wife came by with dinner and to cut my hair.  My friend, Roy, organized a group of men to cut my grass and to was on call if I needed things done.  My friend, Gary, also took me to radiation treatments and visited my in the hospital.  Countless others offered words of encouragement.

The one thing that I don’t want you to overlook is prayer.  I was prayed over by a group of people on four different occasions.  The one I cherish was organized by my son very early in the process.  Men came from a 100 mile radius to pray for me at my house.  Additionally, a large men’s group at my church prayed for me and the members of a Steven Ministries class that I was attending prayed.  I was prayed over by a group of Tres Dias brother’s and sisters at one of the gatherings.  I have no idea how many individual prayers there were.  I constantly run into who said that they were praying for me.  Don’t push this away, seek the prayers of others.

What is the secret to survival when the darkness starts closing in?  Do what you can to let light shine into your life.  Contact Christian friends and talk with them.  Belong to some kind of group where you can share freely if you are able.  You can find these in your church and in many hospitals.  Seek the Lord and His illuminating light.  Resist the temptation to go this alone.  There are many who want to step into your life with you.